austinsm11
06-15-2007, 09:50 AM
I've heard some of these before, but they are still funny.
1. Only in America .....can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America .....are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.
4. Only in America .....do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America .....do
banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
6. Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.
7. Only in America .....do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
place.
8. Only in America .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America .....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the pro cess so w ell: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM's with
Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our
skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on
"Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog foo d i s new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that
stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress? (yes)
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
------------------ In case you needed further proof that
the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some
actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On som e Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not
turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot
after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could
do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and..
I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other
use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk
about a new s flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I
blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with
your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this
happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to
spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to
bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words,
send it to everyone. We all need to smile every day!
1. Only in America .....can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America .....are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.
4. Only in America .....do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America .....do
banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
6. Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.
7. Only in America .....do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
place.
8. Only in America .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America .....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the pro cess so w ell: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM's with
Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our
skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on
"Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog foo d i s new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that
stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress? (yes)
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
------------------ In case you needed further proof that
the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some
actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On som e Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not
turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot
after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could
do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and..
I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other
use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk
about a new s flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I
blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with
your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this
happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to
spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to
bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words,
send it to everyone. We all need to smile every day!